# I think I'm giving up.



## Thelastkiss19 (Jan 11, 2013)

I've had my tiel for more than a year now, and it's just not working out. I will say that I am not giving him away, "I am giving up" means that I'm just in a fragile place right now and I have given up trying to win him over.

I had a tiel before and yes, the bar was set high because my previous tiel was the love of my life. My new tiel came from a pet shop, where he lived for around a year, so I decided to be patient and give him time to have a relationship on his own terms, when it is good and comfortable for him, because he was never hand held, never had toys, etc. This time just hasn't come. I have tried everything. He has a nice cage, toys, which he never had before and finally came around to in a few months (!!). Liking and finally touching millet has taken him around a year!!! I talk to him nicely, whistle, play bird sounds on my computer, let him out (sometimes he comes out but never lets me close). I get him to sleep around the same time every night and wake him up nicely, in several steps every morning so his morning screaming is finally history as well.

However, he is still very moody!! If he is in a good mood, he is playing all day or singing. In a bad mood, he screeches and screams all day, I can't do anything about it. I can ignore, doesn't help. I can talk to him nicely, doesn't help. I can cover him, that usually helps, but I don't want to cover him all of the time.

I have come to a breaking point since I am in a very stressful time of my life with many work responsibilities and deadlines. I cannot build my life around a bird. I am sorry and maybe some will attack me but I just cannot. I have to take care of myself and my job to be able to provide for both my bird and myself and to be able to move forward in life. I can't do that when I try to work even on a Sunday (right now) and he randomly starts screaming and can't be calmed down. It's come to a point in the last couple of days that his screeching and screaming just makes me cry. I don't know what to do anymore, and it gives me a lot of anxiety.

I don't get angry with him, never yell at him, try to be calm around him even when I'm angry, always have his best interest at heart. I feel like he is an exceptionally moody bird who might never let anyone close to him. I don't know why this is but I feel like it's just me trying and trying to win his trust which never really happens and he just doesn't make a single (hypothetical) step towards me. I am very frustrated by now and I don't have to tell you guys that these emotions don't help with work either.

Please help. What do I do? Do I accept him as a distant bird forever and try to provide a nice life for him this way, him always in the cage and many times behaving very moody? I don't know what to do.


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## Thelastkiss19 (Jan 11, 2013)

One more thing. He once spent a weekend at my sister-in-law's house, who has an African grey. She didn't let him out of the cage, just let the African grey out of her cage who went close to Lufi's cage and Lufi seemed interested, sister-in-law said that he was flirty and talkative, singing. (He did scream at her house as well though during the weekend.) He also spent the first year or so of his life in a pet shop living with other birds (he was in a cage with several breeds actually :/ ). I have thought about getting a companion for him, but I am very afraid that I will end up with two moody screaming birds and will lose my mind.


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## Amz (Apr 10, 2013)

That's such a difficult situation. I'm sorry you're having this trouble. Unfortunately I don't really know what to say to help. Hopefully someone else has good advice for you.


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## moonchild (Jul 29, 2012)

Thelastkiss19 said:


> One more thing. He once spent a weekend at my sister-in-law's house, who has an African grey. She didn't let him out of the cage, just let the African grey out of her cage who went close to Lufi's cage and Lufi seemed interested, sister-in-law said that he was flirty and talkative, singing. (He did scream at her house as well though during the weekend.) He also spent the first year or so of his life in a pet shop living with other birds (he was in a cage with several breeds actually :/ ). *I have thought about getting a companion for him, but I am very afraid that I will end up with two moody screaming birds and will lose my mind.*


It sounds like Lufi is lonely and missing the company of his own kind. If you have tried for a year to befriend him, and he's not interested, it could be that he is just not a people bird. These are flock animals, and in my opinion it isn't fair to deprive them of same-species company unless they are able to accept human company as a substitute.

I would get a sweet, hand-tame bird as a companion for him, then take some time to bond with the new bird while it's in quarantine. The tame bird might actually be a good "example" for Lufi, too.

People may disagree with me, and say "don't get a bird for your bird." But if you have a large enough cage, or the option of having two side by side cages in case the birds don't get along, I think it's highly unlikely it will be a problem. I do speak from experience here.


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## roxy culver (May 27, 2010)

The problem with getting another bird is that if you do and this bird, after quarantine, bonds to Lufi and wants nothing to do with you, you have two birds who wants nothing to do with you. Even hand fed babies can be that way. I'm not saying getting him a friend is a bad idea, but if you are tired of trying to win his trust, I don't think a second bird is the answer right NOW. Possibly in the future yes. But for now, I would say get your life straight first and get to where you are in a good place again to add another bird to the flock.


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## moonchild (Jul 29, 2012)

roxy culver said:


> The problem with getting another bird is that if you do and this bird, after quarantine, bonds to Lufi and wants nothing to do with you, you have two birds who wants nothing to do with you. Even hand fed babies can be that way. I'm not saying getting him a friend is a bad idea, but if you are tired of trying to win his trust, I don't think a second bird is the answer right NOW. Possibly in the future yes. But for now, I would say get your life straight first and get to where you are in a good place again to add another bird to the flock.


On the other hand, if she just wants Lufi to be happy, having a bonded pair who was happy and content would take all the pressure off. I think there is a very good chance she would end up with the best case scenario, a bird that liked her, *and* Lufi would be happier.

I would actually be more likely to look for a tame adult, not a baby. Every tame adult I've ever adopted has stayed the same in the presence of other birds. Freya, whom I bought as a baby, did end up losing some of her tameness when she bonded with Moon, but she is still a very friendly bird who likes people (she just doesn't tolerate cuddling or petting).

Anyway, the WORST case scenario (two birds that are happy but have no need of human attention) would still be preferable to me than one miserable bird. The OP may feel the same way.


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## caterpillar (Oct 14, 2013)

Thelastkiss19 said:


> I have come to a breaking point since I am in a very stressful time of my life with many work responsibilities and deadlines. I cannot build my life around a bird. I am sorry and maybe some will attack me but I just cannot.


I totally understand and this has been my situation as well. I could not take my birds with me when I moved to a new city for a new job (very rewarding but stressful and with long hours), in part because it is hard to find apartments here that will permit pet birds due to the noise they make and in part because I do not have the time to train them anymore. I can't even guarantee that I will be at home to cover their cage in time to give them 14 hours of darkness.

There is very little knowledge out there, outside of forums like this one, that 1) birds are not low-maintenance pets, and 2) some birds are much more difficult that others on an individual basis and it's often hard to know which will be which even when you meet a bird at a breeder or pet store in advance. I really think that anyone who gets a bird needs to accept that it may either be a very difficult animal, or it could potentially turn into one. 

But I don't fault anyone for being in over their heads with a pet bird, because this just is not widespread knowledge. We never would have gotten cockatiels if we had known this. And I do not think anyone should build their life around a bird if it's affecting their mental health or hindering their own lives (I could have said no to this amazing job offer, not moved, and kept the birds, but that would have been stupid). 

A few other people have suggested a companion bird since the signals your bird is giving you do indicate it wants an avian companion (and I agree that's what it's doing), but quarantining/introducing new birds is stressful and a larger cage to accommodate two birds could be expensive. No one should fault you if you decide need to rehome your bird to an aviary. That's what we're doing and we think they are going to be so much happier.


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## caterpillar (Oct 14, 2013)

moonchild said:


> I would actually be more likely to look for a tame adult, not a baby. Every tame adult I've ever adopted has stayed the same in the presence of other birds. Freya, whom I bought as a baby, did end up losing some of her tameness when she bonded with Moon, but she is still a very friendly bird who likes people (she just doesn't tolerate cuddling or petting).
> 
> Anyway, the WORST case scenario (two birds that are happy but have no need of human attention) would still be preferable to me than one miserable bird. The OP may feel the same way.


Agree that if OP decides to pursue this route she should get a tame adult.

Worst case scenario unfortunately could be worse than that -- my BF made the mistake of "getting a bird for a bird" even though Pineapple was quiet, tame, and showed no signs of needing a companion. (He felt bad that she was alone during the day.) Her personality COMPLETELY changed when Elvis was introduced, Elvis abused her viciously, and she started hating human attention and getting panic attacks. I think it could be much more stressful for OP if it turns out that the birds don't get along and then have to be caged separately.

Not to mention with two birds if they are of opposite sexes they are pretty high-maintenance with hormone control to prevent them from breeding.


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## eduardo (Jan 27, 2012)

I agree with Moonchild


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## moonchild (Jul 29, 2012)

caterpillar said:


> Worst case scenario unfortunately could be worse than that -- my BF made the mistake of "getting a bird for a bird" even though Pineapple was quiet, tame, and showed no signs of needing a companion. (He felt bad that she was alone during the day.) Her personality COMPLETELY changed when Elvis was introduced, Elvis abused her viciously, and she started hating human attention and getting panic attacks. I think it could be much more stressful for OP if it turns out that the birds don't get along and then have to be caged separately.
> 
> Not to mention with two birds if they are of opposite sexes they are pretty high-maintenance with hormone control to prevent them from breeding.


I'm sorry you had this experience.  It really sucks.
It is *not* typical, though. I have cared for many cockatiels and never seen behavior like this.


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## caterpillar (Oct 14, 2013)

moonchild said:


> I'm sorry you had this experience.  It really sucks.
> It is *not* typical, though. I have cared for many cockatiels and never seen behavior like this.


Yeah, ours was very, very negative and has caused us a lot of heartache. But it seems based on other TC posts that it's not all that uncommon that certain birds just won't like one another and will not bond -- which obviously isn't a huge problem if you have an aviary but if you are getting one bird to be a companion to another could add to an already stressful situation. I was warned against getting a companion bird for Georgia for this reason when we were going to separate Elvis from her.


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## Thelastkiss19 (Jan 11, 2013)

Hey guys!

Thank you SO MUCH for replying. I didn't get email notifications even though I subscribed to the thread and I was getting upset that even my "cockatiel family" forgot me. (

I am leaning towards getting a new bird, however, I do agree that I should get a tame one, definitely an adult, AND wait until I figure things out (I am submitting my PhD in two weeks so after that my nerves will probably calm down). I did give Lufi a longer sleep last night (a little more than 12 hours), and even though today I was really a ball of stress, he was really nice and cute. See, I told you, one day he's nice, next day he's not!

One more thing came to mind: when we took him to my sister-in-law's house, we took him by car. And when we went outside to get in the car, he heard birds singing outside and started signalling, flock calling to them... yup, this just assures what you guys are saying...

I can't put him in an aviary, because I don't want to, if things really don't work out, I will give him to my Mom, who loves birds and who has nerves made of steel.  However, she works all day as well, so getting a companion would be a good idea even then (this is just an option, I intend to keep him first and foremost).

And I do agree that even if they just like each other, but live happily in a big cage together, I am happy. I want him to be happy, I don't mind if I can't scratch his head, until he's happy.

And I did know what I was in for, because it took me a long time to bond with my previous bird as well, she was also from a pet shop, but she wasn't vocal, so she didn't make me lose my mind.  However she came around slowly but surely and because the most amazing bird. My whole family loved her!

THANK YOU SO MUCH again for the input!! Any further advice is appreciated of course.  Can't express my gratitude enough.


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## goose'smom (Jan 1, 2014)

Hey, I know I am late to this thread but I have experienced something recently that may encourage you. I like you am super busy and working really hard in school. I have a very sweet female who was calling nonstop while I worked. It started to take over my life. I felt you feel, like my life was centered around her. In fact it was making me physically ill because I felt so inadequate as a bird mom. She isn't antisocial like yours, she loves being with me, but I still felt she was unhappy. So this community urged me to get her a friend. I was hesitant because I didn't want to bring home a "meany" especially since I was already sick over the one I have now! 
But I happened upon the sweetest bird. I spent time with him before committing and was prepared to walk away if I "didn't feel it." But he was so cuddly and trusting and calm. I felt his energy would be wonderful for her. And I was right! I did not know about quarantining so they were exposed to each other right away. I know now that was wrong, but I had only experienced bringing home a new dog companion (no quarantine there). So they see each other in their separate cages and watch us interact with the other and oh my gosh how my female has changed! She has always been lovely but now she is even sweeter to me! Additionally, she has completely stopped squawking! Our new bird is literally the cuddliest bird I have ever seen and Henrietta (our female) watches and mirrors his every move.
I think you have an opportunity to enrich your current birds life as well as your own. I think if you find a sweet and gentle adult, you will bond with the new bird and your current bird will learn from your relationship.
This actually happened for me in a sense with my very first bird. She was a parakeet and she hated me! I almost gave up! My mom told me to bring her to her house and she would keep her. She lived a couple hours away so I drove their for a weekend trip. Sunday (my bird) watched us talk on the couch, eat meals together, and do normal mother daughter stuff. Then one night while I was pulling my moms hair through a cap to highlight, Sunday started squalling to get out of her cage! She jump down to the floor, crawled up my leg and began preening my moms hair. After that we were inseparable! She learned by watching our affection. It was amazing! I know every bird is different, but I just wanted to provide you with a little happy hope!! I know how your heart is hurting and I want you to feel like this could all turn around, because it could! Xoxoxox


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## andy (Jul 31, 2013)

maybe he become to consider the pet shop as his home .try a smaller cage this might make him feel more secure and remove some of his toys as he maybe frightened or intimidated by them.or cover part of his cage to keep him warm and give him a place to retreat too.i hope you can eventually overcome your problem


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## Thelastkiss19 (Jan 11, 2013)

Hey guys!

Thanks you both for the new advice!  I'm glad I checked the board again. 

Goose'smom, your story really makes me want to get another birdie... You are right, it would enrich his life as well. And maybe he really needs to see what another bird does to be able to learn from her... 

When things get a little less crazy in my life, I'll get on project new bird, and try to find a hand tamed tiel for him!! )


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## goose'smom (Jan 1, 2014)

That is wonderful! Please keep us posted. I want to hear all about it ;-)


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