# Cookie is TOO bonded to me



## CookieTiel (Feb 6, 2012)

Cookie is SO bonded to me and that is becoming problematic because she is becoming very dependent on me. When I am home she wants to stay near me 100% of the time. She screams if I'm not in the same room as her, and calls me constantly when I'm not near her. If she wants to come out of the cage, she doesn't come out on her own. She calls and calls, and if I don't come she screams until I pick her up and bring her to where I am. More recently she developed a habit of only eating dinner when I'm near her. I used to put her in the cage to have dinner and go to another room, and she used to be okay with that, but now she demands that I stay next to her while she eats. And sometimes being in the same room is not enough either. She needs to be GLUED to me, perched on my shoulder. 

What can I do to make her more independent without causing her to feel rejected? I don't want her to think that I'm rejecting her. When I refuse to pick her up she puffs up her cheeks and make a sad sound. Thanks!


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## SilverSage (Oct 19, 2014)

Sadly, she is going to feel rejected. The important thing is to get this under control right away before it gets worse. Think about it, if she is not happy when you are not with her, she is unhappy a lot, right? So you need to teach her she cannot be with you all the time, so she can learn to be happy when you are not there, this will make her an over all happier bird.

Step 1) make sure she has enough toys that she is interested in playing with, focus on foraging toys. The more interested she is in the things around her, the happier she will be. Foraging toys stimulate natural instincts in a bird. Along with this goes making sure her cage is big enough. Make sure that her calling for you is not because she is in a cage that is small or boring.

2) be strong. Decide RIGHT NOW that you are NOT going to give in to her screaming. Have plan for if you can't take it, such as going to the library to do homework. This is VITAL because EVERY time you go to her when she screams, no matter what your motivations are, you are teaching her to scream for you, and if she just screams long enough, you will come.

3) Establish a routine. Make a schedule and stick to it - when are you going to have her out? When it is time, make sure she is not screaming, and get her out. For example, you may need to wake up earlier in the morning so that you can rush in and feed her and get her out for some love before work or school and BEFORE SHE STARTS TO SCREAM. You may find you are spending less time with her than you would like, but this is training. Once the behavior is modified, you will be able to spend more tie with her because you won't have to wait for her to stop screaming before you get her out. Also, make sure your routine includes time where you are near her but don't take her out, just talk to her. This leads in to the. Next step...

4) consequences. Right now she thinks that when she screams she gets what she wants. She need to learn that when she screams she gets something she doesn't want. Eerie are a couple of ways to do this, and the first is to leave the room. Any time you are in the room with her and she starts to scream, pick up what you are doing and LEAVE. stay away until she stops screaming. If she stops right away and then starts again when you enter, set a time limit, such as making sure you are away for at least 5 minutes. The second easy consequence is darkness. I assume that you make sure she has plenty of light during the day and is not in a dark corner. If she is in the dark during the day, rewind and put " move bird to light area" at the top of the list. Now, assuming she is in a light area, when she starts to scream, turn off the light. Some people says to cover the cage and this works in theory, but it find that it requires me to go to the bird when they start to scream in order to cover the cage, and that seems to me like it might confuse them, so I prefer to turn off the light. You may need to hang curtains temporarily depending on the situation. You may also choose to give a verbal warning first. For example, Mel, my blue headed pionus, came to me a screamer. She is getting better but it takes time especially as she is the victim of neglect and abuse. When she starts to scream, I say "no screaming" and give her a second to stop. She has gotten to where she sometimes stops when reprimanded! If she doesn't, I then turn off the light.

5) this really should be number one but I am not going to bother to go back and change it. Be SURE that all her other needs are being met before you start this. Be sure she has food, clean water, that nothing in the room is scaring her, etc. also, look for other triggers. Be sure it is you she is screaming for, and not another trigger that happens to show up when you do. In Hearst case you may just be able to eliminate the trigger. Back to Mel, I know that if I start the washer, dryer, and dishwasher at the same time, or the washer and the shower, she is going to scream. So I don't do that. I also know that my green cheeked conure, Buddy, starts to yell if his breakfast is later than 7:30am, since he wakes up long before that and is impatient, so I make sure he is fed.

6)use her time wisely. Don't just snuggle her and talk to her when she is out, train her. Make her use her mind and body so she can expend energy and learn and grow. This will drastically improve your relationship with her, and will give her more to think about, which most birds need. It will also give her other things to consider when she is deciding if she should scream or not. 


BE CONSTANT!!! Every time you give in to her, no matter the reason, you are training her to scream until she gets her way. A healthy cockatiel should live to be around 30 years old; do you want to spend that time with a happy bird who loves you or a sad bird who screams to get her way?

And about the food thing; give her her food and walk away. Eating is a flock activity and it is normal for her to want to do it near you, but if she is hungry enough she WILL EAT, she will not starve herself to death, and by giving in to this you are allowing her to control and manipulate you to an incredibly unhealthy level.

It sounds like your bird has formed a mate bond with you, and really needs to be socialized with other people. How many people live in your house, and how often do you have friends over? Do you have other people you can have interact with your bird?

Another thing to think about is that birds are flock animals. Birds in the wild are never alone. Still do the things I stated above, but ask yourself if you should add a second bird. I am a huge fan of multi bird households, as long as the owners have a solid plan for preventing unplanned babies, and as long as they are willing to love both. IRNs even if they do not get along with each other.


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## SilverSage (Oct 19, 2014)

Sadly, she is going to feel rejected. The important thing is to get this under control right away before it gets worse. Think about it, if she is not happy when you are not with her, she is unhappy a lot, right? So you need to teach her she cannot be with you all the time, so she can learn to be happy when you are not there, this will make her an over all happier bird.

Step 1) make sure she has enough toys that she is interested in playing with, focus on foraging toys. The more interested she is in the things around her, the happier she will be. Foraging toys stimulate natural instincts in a bird. Along with this goes making sure her cage is big enough. Make sure that her calling for you is not because she is in a cage that is small or boring.

2) be strong. Decide RIGHT NOW that you are NOT going to give in to her screaming. Have plan for if you can't take it, such as going to the library to do homework. This is VITAL because EVERY time you go to her when she screams, no matter what your motivations are, you are teaching her to scream for you, and if she just screams long enough, you will come.

3) Establish a routine. Make a schedule and stick to it - when are you going to have her out? When it is time, make sure she is not screaming, and get her out. For example, you may need to wake up earlier in the morning so that you can rush in and feed her and get her out for some love before work or school and BEFORE SHE STARTS TO SCREAM. You may find you are spending less time with her than you would like, but this is training. Once the behavior is modified, you will be able to spend more tie with her because you won't have to wait for her to stop screaming before you get her out. Also, make sure your routine includes time where you are near her but don't take her out, just talk to her. This leads in to the. Next step...

4) consequences. Right now she thinks that when she screams she gets what she wants. She need to learn that when she screams she gets something she doesn't want. Eerie are a couple of ways to do this, and the first is to leave the room. Any time you are in the room with her and she starts to scream, pick up what you are doing and LEAVE. stay away until she stops screaming. If she stops right away and then starts again when you enter, set a time limit, such as making sure you are away for at least 5 minutes. The second easy consequence is darkness. I assume that you make sure she has plenty of light during the day and is not in a dark corner. If she is in the dark during the day, rewind and put " move bird to light area" at the top of the list. Now, assuming she is in a light area, when she starts to scream, turn off the light. Some people says to cover the cage and this works in theory, but it find that it requires me to go to the bird when they start to scream in order to cover the cage, and that seems to me like it might confuse them, so I prefer to turn off the light. You may need to hang curtains temporarily depending on the situation. You may also choose to give a verbal warning first. For example, Mel, my blue headed pionus, came to me a screamer. She is getting better but it takes time especially as she is the victim of neglect and abuse. When she starts to scream, I say "no screaming" and give her a second to stop. She has gotten to where she sometimes stops when reprimanded! If she doesn't, I then turn off the light.

5) this really should be number one but I am not going to bother to go back and change it. Be SURE that all her other needs are being met before you start this. Be sure she has food, clean water, that nothing in the room is scaring her, etc. also, look for other triggers. Be sure it is you she is screaming for, and not another trigger that happens to show up when you do. In Hearst case you may just be able to eliminate the trigger. Back to Mel, I know that if I start the washer, dryer, and dishwasher at the same time, or the washer and the shower, she is going to scream. So I don't do that. I also know that my green cheeked conure, Buddy, starts to yell if his breakfast is later than 7:30am, since he wakes up long before that and is impatient, so I make sure he is fed.

6)use her time wisely. Don't just snuggle her and talk to her when she is out, train her. Make her use her mind and body so she can expend energy and learn and grow. This will drastically improve your relationship with her, and will give her more to think about, which most birds need. It will also give her other things to consider when she is deciding if she should scream or not. 


BE CONSTANT!!! Every time you give in to her, no matter the reason, you are training her to scream until she gets her way. A healthy cockatiel should live to be around 30 years old; do you want to spend that time with a happy bird who loves you or a sad bird who screams to get her way?


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## Colorguarder08 (Sep 13, 2014)

Silversage is right with everything she said. However to put it into human terms what your doing is basically teaching your bird to be that annoying spolid brat you see in the mall that the parents can't (really they just won't) do anything to control their kid because the kid has learned if I throw my fit long enough and loud enough I will get what I want. You don't want your bird to be that kid. You want your bird to be the kid that people are impressed with because they actually behave and put the toy back on the shelf because they were told they can't have it for whatever reason. Follow silversages advice and you will have the kid that impresses people. I know birds are different but the concept is the same. If you give in to them they will continue the undesired behavior.


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## CloudySkies (Jul 11, 2014)

That is a really good post, Silversage. I learned a lot from it, since I'm a new 'tiel owner. 

Back when my kiddo was a baby, he was a HOLD ME ALL THE TIME NEVER PUT ME DOWN I WANT TO LIVE ON YOUR HIP type baby, which is fine except for when one, say, needs to use the bathroom or take a shower or cook, or, you know, sleep. I read books and stuff online until I wanted to throw all the books and the computer across the room because none of that stuff was working! I remember reading that some scientists did some studies with animals where if they pushed a button or whatever, they would always get a treat and then they measured how long they would continue to push the button after they stopped giving treats with each button push. Then, they would randomly give treats for each button push, instead of every time the button was pushed and then followed up with measuring how long they would continue to push the button after they stopped giving treats. Turns out, in the latter case the animals would push the button a thousand times more after the treats stopped than the former case... meaning that if they thought there was just a CHANCE of getting a treat, they would continue the behavior much, much longer than if they KNEW they would get a treat. It's a great example of the importance of consistancy, so you don't risk going into the "CHANCE of treat" zone, because then it's much harder to fix.

So with my kiddo, I went into OCD consistancy mode and we "practiced" stuff like him riding in his stroller (oh my god, the horror of the stroller!) and playing with his toys on the floor instead of only while on my lap, etc. It was hard, but it eventually paid off with a happier mama and more importantly, a happier little human.

I know that kids /= animals, but sometimes the base logic is the same and this thread is a good reminder for me with my Coyote. I'm quickly learning that he is very different from the budgies!


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## SilverSage (Oct 19, 2014)

Last night my post actually went up twice and when I edited it only edited one, and that is the one that got deleted. I also mentioned to give the bird her food and walk away, no Catarina to the manipulation of her not eating without you in the room, when she is hangers enough she will eat. That said, eating is a flock activity, as is nearly everything in the life of a bird. I always prefer to see birds go to multi-bird families. When finding new homes for my chicks, I always require that the home be a two or more bird home, or at least one human be a stay at home or work from home individual. Some people can make it work with only one bird, but I believe it is best for birds to have friends, after all they would almost never be alone in the wild. Of course, any owner who gets a second bird needs to be prepared to love that bird no matter what even if he two birds never get along, and take all necessary precautions to prevent breeding, be that by having birds of different species, same gender birds, or extremely diligent hormonal control.


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## CookieTiel (Feb 6, 2012)

Thank you for the helpful advice!
When I am home she doesn't scream a lot because I am always near her, but when she wants to come out of the cage (and the door is open) she calls me, and if I don't get her THEN she starts screaming until I go pick her up. I want her to learn that it's okay to come out on her own and join me wherever I am, instead of depending on me to take her out. What bothers me the most is the dependency, the need to be glued to me at all times wherever I go. 

She is the only bird, and she is spoiled rotten. It's just me and my husband in the house, we both work full time, and my husband doesn't give her any attention. She gets about 3 hours out of the cage per day, and this means that she is craving attention when I get home. Since I can only spend 3 hours per day with her I give her as much attention as she wants and let her do whatever she wants, as long as she's happy I'm happy!

But what you said about me teaching her how to be happy when I'm not around totally makes sense.

I tried getting another cockatiel before so she wouldn't be so lonely, but she did not like him and was miserable! She started plucking her feathers, lost weight, stopped eating, and went on premature molting because of all the stress that this new bird caused. The situation became so severe that I had to find a home for the new bird. And the new bird never altered her relationship to me - she wanted to be near me, and me alone. She couldn't care less about him.


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## SilverSage (Oct 19, 2014)

She has mate bonded with you. You really do need to get this nude control for her own health and happiness, as well as your own. I know it seems hard not to be with her 100% of the time when you are home! but if you don't teach her to be content, she will never be truly happy and neither will you. 

Do not take her out of here cage when she refuses to come out on her owns consider luring her out with he favorite treat, but do not enable her. By taking her out all the time you are training her that she cannot come out on her own, instead of teaching her that she can.


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## CookieTiel (Feb 6, 2012)

so if she starts to come out of the cage on her own, is it okay for me to let her spend as much time with me as she wants?

I really want her to be okay eating only inside the cage like she used to, without me having to stop everything I'm doing to sit by her cage and watch her eat. In order to do this, would I have to let her stave for a few days? For example: I will put her in the cage with her food bowl, and if she comes out, let her be out, but when it's bed time I will go ahead and cover her cage and will not wait for her to eat before doing so. This seems cruel to me. Is there any other way that I can do this?

What about being on my shoulder all day when I'm home? When I try to put her down or entertain her with something else, sometimes she is okay with it and other times she flies back to my shoulder. What should I do in this situation?

Thank you, your advice is much appreciated. I've created a little monster!


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## SilverSage (Oct 19, 2014)

First let me comfort you by saying you have not created a monster, simply a spoiled birdie  with some determination and consistency from you, this WILL turn around and she WILL be happier 

I suggest you teach her to spend time on the top of her cage or other play stands when she comes out on her own. Have a play top, other toys, or something on the top of her cage and/or nearby where she can get to it. Have this be what she gets to do when she comes out on her own, because YOU need to be the one choosing when she gets to be with you, not her, so you don't want to teach her she can just come out and sit on you whenever she feels like it.

As for food, are you currently only feeding her at night? I would suggest putting her food in in the he morning and leaving it with her during the day, especially if you can put some of it in foraging toys. That way she has a LOT of time to eat. She will not starve herself. If it makes you feel better, for a couple of days you can sit across the room from her, but be sure to ignore her while she eats. Do this for no more than two days, it is for your own emotions not for hers. Keep in mind that she used to eat without you;she knows how, she knows she can, she is choosing not to. You will not starve her, it is not cruel. I do not suggest giving her her food for only a limited amount of time during this transition, please feed her in the morning and leave the food with her during the day until she is back in the habit of eating on her own. Again, she has food, she knows where it is, she will not starve and you are not being cruel.

As for her flying to your shoulder. I am a big believer in birds being allowed to fly, but you may need to give her a temporary light clip, but let's try other things first. Remember the routine we talked about? Include play time out of the cage but not on you. This will be super annoying and frustrating for you for a while, so be prepared. Put her down by her toys or on her play stand, wherever you want her to play, not on the floor. Tell her it is play time, or whatever phrase you are going to use, pick a phrase and stick to it. Then walk away. When she flies to you, immediately put her back where you want her to play. Tell her again that it is play time, and walk away. Repeat this as many times as necessary. At the end of play time, whether she played or not, put her back in her cage. Try to do this after she has flown to you, so she associates flying to you with getting out away, not staying at her station with getting put away. 


Remember, this is training. You are building a foundation of respect and understanding to carry your relationship for the rest of her life. Once she understands the rules, she will get to spend a lot more time with you again, though she might need a refresher course if here starts up her old habits. This is not the end of here world. The more diligent and consistent you are, the faster she will learn and the sooner you two can get on with your friendship


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## CookieTiel (Feb 6, 2012)

I feed her in the morning and the food is left all day in her cage. She has plenty to eat. I will try those things that you mentioned for a few days and see how she does. I know she is not going to like this at all. Another thing, how often should she be getting scritches? She asks for them constantly and of course I give them. (pretty spoiled huh?) Should I reserve them for the times when she plays quietly on her own, as a reward for being a good girl?

She has gotten so attached to me that when other people show affection towards me, like my husband, she puffs up and stares at me. She thinks I'm all hers!


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## CookieTiel (Feb 6, 2012)

Here's a picture of the little silly brat getting some scritches.


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## SilverSage (Oct 19, 2014)

I would say give scritches when you want to, and not just because she demands it, but demanding scritches tends to be less frustrating than screaming, depending on how she does it.

I would also caution you, trying these things for a few days won't do any good. This is. Along-haul sort of deal.


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## amberwydell (Oct 13, 2013)

It sounds to me like a little discipline is needed... you need to put your foot down! There's no way of getting around a situation like this without hurting the bird's feelings a little bit, but it will be worth it in the end. As soon as Cookie realizes that her bad behaviour doesn't get your attention, she'll get bored and stop. 
Try encouraging quiet time by fussing her when she's being good, as opposed to when she's screaming. As for the food situation... don't worry, she won't allow herself to starve. If it gets to a point where you're refusing to stand by her while she eats, she'll learn to do it independently. It's all about showing her who's really in charge (which sounds cruel, but as an owner, you must be dominant). 
You just need to gain that perfect balance of rewarding her and disciplining her (though never _physically_ discipline your bird... which I'm sure you already know!)
I hope she soon settles down... good luck!


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